I am living a miracle right now. There has been a situation in my life where I had pretty much given up hope. We can have high hopes about something. Fresh unchallenged faith. But as time passes and we see no change, we get weary. Angry. Doubtful. Hurt. Bitter. Impatient. Ready to give up.
That was where I found myself awhile back. I was confused and weary. Doubting things would ever change. I was ready to shake my head and say, “I gave it my best” and toss in the towel. My friends would encourage me to hang in there, keep praying. Remind me that God had a plan. That I was in the middle of the story but that God’s ending would be good.
Me? I was convinced that God’s ending wouldn’t be that great. Probably end with me having to put up with a half changed situation for the rest of my life. Living with unmet longings and God saying, “Buck up, Katie. It’s not all about you anyway.” (Grin) Because, ultimately, I didn’t truly with my whole heart believe any longer that God could do the impossible. If He hadn’t done it by now (I’d been waiting for years), He wasn’t going to. I needed to face the facts, some things were beyond His reach. Or maybe He didn’t see it as important enough to change. No sense in me continuing to suffer or put myself out there.
Thankfully, I kept being brutally honest with my friends about the state of my heart, and my struggles. I was constantly sharing the big fat ugly truth with some people I trusted. It sure doesn’t make you feel very “Christian” when you are constantly struggling and sharing all the crap that’s hidden inside of you. (Side note: that may not feel “Christian” but I believe that’s about as “Christian” as a person can get.) The pain that I experienced during that time was deep. The kind of pain that aches. Tears came often. Confusion ran rampant. My mind was in a constant battle over what to do.
And God used all that I went through to bring me once more to the end of myself. I clearly remember kneeling down one night, sobbing. The last thing that I had been holding onto was taken away and I was crushed. I had nothing left. And I sobbed, “Now what, God? Now what?” He said that He was enough. “Yeah, yeah, I know God. You are enough. I’ve clung to that truth for years. That is how I have existed.” Then something wonderful happened. That truth burned through my entire being. It permeated every part of me. Penetrated me to the core. God was ENOUGH! What’s more–He was able to fully satisfy me–beyond my wildest dreams. I was on a high like no other. It no longer mattered all that I was suffering through. It didn’t matter if things never changed. He was enough. And He was using the very situation that I was so desperate to see change to mold and shape me to be more like Him. And I knew, no matter what, I was where I needed to be. And that He would fill in all of the gaps that the unchanged situation was causing. He was enough.
I was amazed. I walked around with a smile inside because in a deeper way than ever before God was truly everything to me. Everything that I had clung to had been stripped away–my desires, my dreams, etc. And He hadn’t let me down. I knew I’d be ok even if nothing ever changed.
And while that was incredible and certainly part of my “story”, that wasn’t the ending. God had greater things planned. And tears are flowing now because our God accomplishes the impossible. The unthinkable. Things which we could never do. Things that if we ask Him to do for awhile and He doesn’t, we tend to think that He won’t. Or that He can’t. See, that situation in my life which I prayed for and desired to see change? It changed. It changed in a way that was more beautiful than I ever dreamed. I NEVER imagined it could be THIS good. THIS different. His “ending” to this story was way better than I would have picked. I dream fairly small, but God accomplishes HUGE!
If I’m honest, I tend to think this way, “I’ll dream big enough that it is just a little beyond me, but not too big that it’s impossible for You, God. Wouldn’t want to embarrass You (or me) if it never happens.” I don’t think that way consciously but my thoughts and prayers can move somewhat along those lines of reasoning. Like “let’s keep it to something that I could accomplish on my own with some effort and I will give You credit and glory–even if You don’t ‘come through’ for me. ” The problem is…He is GOD. He doesn’t need my help to accomplish anything. He doesn’t need me to do anything to make His name great. He is the One who promises (and accomplishes) impossible things in His Word. He makes those claims and promises. He remains faithful to His promises.
So, I come back to the first line that I wrote…I am living a miracle right now. I look around in wonder and astonishment at what God can do. He can turn around the most helpless situation. He can change the hardest heart.
For the record, I stand corrected, God. I was certain I wouldn’t like Your way. I was willing to fake it and go along pretending I did for awhile, but I really didn’t think I would like it. I do. I was sure it wouldn’t be that good or enjoyable. It is. Thank You. From the deepest part of me, thank You. You are the Almighty God worthy of all praise and worship. You accomplish what no other god or human ever could. You fill and satisfy us beyond what we realize we could be filled or satisfied. Thank You.
These days I’d like to set up a booth somewhere with a sign that says, “Facing an impossible circumstance or situation? Step right up.” If you are reading this with a heavy heart over something you are facing and you want to share with me, please contact me. I will listen. And together we will pray to the God who says, “Is anything too hard for Me?” (Jeremiah 32:27, as well as MANY other places scattered throughout Scripture.) My faith is through the roof right now! I’ll stand with you.
“Escribiré mil canciones que hablen de Ti
Y declararé mi amor por Ti
Con la poesía de mi corazón
Con todas las fuerzas de mi alma ”
–Jesús Adrián Romero