Ever get angry? I’ve been talking to God about something that has me feeling mighty angry right now. He asks me, “What are you angry about there, Katie?” My answer, “Well, not too pleased with decisions people have made. Furious about the way the devil has entangled them. The way he is destroying them (or attempting to). And, quite frankly, I’m angry at You, God. Not too impressed with Your apparent lack of movement. You promise things. It would be nice to actually see them.” Gulp. Whoa, there, Katie. You are angry with God? And you dare to express that? Trust me; I totally realize He is God. Oh, I do. And I’m pretty aware that I am just an itty bitty human. But I know that He intimately knows my heart and my thoughts. So, why would I care to be anything less than honest with Him? He already knows what is inside of me! I love Him desperately. If I could offer Him a perfect, submissive, and absolutely humble Katie, I would. Oh, I would. I so wish I could do that. But I am pained and deeply saddened to say that I cannot. Impossible. I can just offer Him me. Never perfect, yet always desiring to become more humble and submissive. A flawed person, who struggles, yet desires to be continually shaped and transformed by the Living God. And, quite honestly, I would rather talk through my anger with Him than any person. With God, well, I trust Him. He is my Creator. I am His daughter. I know where I stand with Him.
Angry with God? Doubting His power or His ability to change situations and/or people? I think I’m joining the ranks of many who have lived before me. Anyone particular from the Bible come to mind?? Oh, a few come to my mind. And here is what I see when I read about them–He goes after them. Pursues them. Interacts with them. Engages in conversation with them. He is POWER at its very essence. He answers to NO ONE. But, He chooses to interact with us proud, arrogant, foolish, and faithless humans. I do not know why…but I see that He does. I am amazed and astounded….grateful. If we desire to know Him, He says we can. And we tend to go about knowing Him and relating to Him in a very human and flawed way. (Possibly because we are humans?) We doubt Him. We forget Him. We reject Him. We become angry with Him.
Ending of my conversation with God? I’ll tell you…there are tears. Even as I pour out my heart and my anger to Him, I am broken that I even feel those things. I don’t want to doubt. I don’t want to arrogantly “challenge” Him. I don’t want to be angry at Him. But I certainly need His help. I need Him to help me get rid of those things so He can usher in love, patience, humility, peace, and renewed faith. And, He does. It may be a constant battle. This may be a recurring prayer. But He loves me. He doesn’t leave me. He is faithful beyond my comprehension. And it always comes down to…”Katie, did I ever ask you to do what I am calling you to do, or face what you are facing, alone? Do you remember Who I am?”
May I never forget, God. May the truth of Who You are be ever present in my mind.
“Y seré perfume en medio del dolor” Jesús Adrián Romero