A friend recently said to me when we were talking, “Katie’s back.” I know what she meant. She meant that basically she had noticed that I had been flopping around like a fish out of water for awhile; in a constant daze; not functioning really hardly at all…and that I seemed a bit more “with it” now. Agreed. That hazy Katie in an almost constant daze–she’s gone. In fact, I may have set a record for the shortest lap of the relay of this thing we call life. Baton was handed off–again. But I wouldn’t say, “Katie’s back.” I am definitely not the same ol’ Katie as before. I am as determined as ever. As in love with Jesus as ever. But I am also proudly stupid. 🙂 (And I believe that can be backed by Scripture, so I’m feeling pretty confident to proclaim it. Matthew 9:36 ) I don’t trust myself. I don’t believe in myself. I’m not sitting back and thinking, “life is good, Jesus is better” and enjoying the ride. I didn’t do that intentionally before…but I still kind of did it. I have a friend who I will call Kim (because that’s totally her name) and she often tells me (direct quote here) “…as much as I want to tell you it’s God’s plan to give you everything you want here on this earth…I’d be lying…life in Jesus doesn’t mean we get everything our heart desires. In fact, instead the Bible says we are to die to self in order to follow Christ.” And I’d like to tell you that I meekly and appreciatively took those words to heart and let them sink in. However, my responses were more like this…”I KNOW that, Kim. Been around awhile.” (Um, can you say “pride” with a capital “P“? Good thing she loves me and is patient.) What God has shone as truth in my deceitful little heart is this, I do not know that. Likely that I never will. Thus, I need to rely fully on Him. HE knows that. HE will remind me of my weakness. HE will expose the lies of my flesh. HE will empower me to live a life dependent on Him. Truth alert: I’m so foolish I can’t even depend on Him without His help and power. Partly because I’m not even always convinced that I need to depend on Him.
I’d like to say I figured out all of this on my own. I’d like to say I knew this stuff all along. To a certain extent, of course I did. I read the Bible. But I was pretty convinced I was fully “onboard” here…blind to how much “self” was still hanging around. I am selfish and I have A LOT of pride. I need Jesus to constantly help me get that crud out. I need Him to show me that it’s there.
My current theology is this…God kind of lets us do our own thing until He doesn’t. (Think Jonah. Or Saul/Paul.) What remains a mystery is how that works. No clue. But He can and does use ANYTHING in our life to draw us to Him and/or conform us more to His image. Lately I have made some great choices. I have also made some downright dumb ones. And, honestly, He has used them all to shape and mold me more like Him. We serve a wise God. And a loving God.
Now, I have called myself stupid here. And I still think that’s accurate. However, I’m not walking around with my eyes downcast in shame. Because my Shepherd, He knows how stupid and helpless I am. Yet, He sees great worth in me. He calls me His. I am His! I have worth…not because of me…but because of Him. He went to unbelievable lengths to rescue me, show me love, and save me. He still goes to unbelievable lengths to rescue me, show me His love, and save me. He does. Therefore, you will find this foolish little lamb frolicking along with sparkly eyes watching her Shepherd. Pleased as punch to simply be His.